Day Zero.

Today I said goodbye to my soldier. It's his first deployment, and mine too.
I am blessed in the sense that he has a short deployment. His group is the last of his unit to be sent over to Iraq, and therefore should only be there until March, boots on the ground, in our home, by March 19th.

I don't know that I can really properly put into words this day.  It's been a couple weeks of preparation. I have been trying to stay positive and strong for him.  It's been so difficult at times to not just collapse and beg him, and whoever else I had to in order to make him stay home. Pretty sure that wouldn't have worked, and also would make him feel horrible for having to leave.

The last couple days we have been running errands and getting the last few loose ends tied up. Especially with me being simply a girl-friend, and not a spouse, we had much more things to get in place so I would be "taken care of." (his words)

So for the last few days the floor of our apartment has been covered with camo gear!  I don't mind it. I like the camo and what it stands for, and it reminds me of what makes my boyfriend who he is and what HE stands for.
I take pride in washing ACU's (that is the typical camo uniform that soldiers wear) and P.T. uniforms! (that is the gray army t's and black pants/shorts that they wear for physical training)

Doing those things have been one of the few things I could do to help out recently. It is definitely a challenge for people like me who like to plan and be in control of the situation and know what is going on and make sure to be planned properly.  There has been very little I could do to help prepare.  So I had to find other ways to support my soldier and be a valuable part of the relationship. (in my eyes)

While typing this, I received a text message updating me on what he is doing now.. on the bus, got weighed with all his gear on, and now waiting for the next step...which I don't know what that is.

It is such a difficult waiting game.  I don't even know (and neither does he) when his flight takes off, or where it leaves from, or where he is going.  I know the eventual final destination, but not when he'll be there, or what his schedule will be like so we can talk via webcam.  It is quite frustrating at times... but I have learned (and am still learning) to roll with the punches and try not to make mountains out of mole-hills.

Right now, I know that he is safe, en-route to God-knows-where, but in good hands. 
I know that he wants me to take care of myself, and to not break down into nothing like I want to at times.
And so, I have decided to do those things for him. If there is nothing else that I can do, I can control me and what I do, and how I react to this whole situation.

Somehow (probably due to the vodka tonic I just had!) I am more at peace now then I have been all week.
I think the anticipation has been brutal and nerve-wrecking! I would sit and watch him sleep and try to soak up all that I could and commit each of his breaths to memory, all of his smells, his laugh, his touch.  I wanted to just absorb him and pack it all in a box so I could open it up and be with him somehow, when he wasn't there.

I am actually wearing the shirt he had on today now. It smells good! :) I can't help it. When you love someone so much and have to be a part, you will do strange things just to feel close again.

There wasn't much of a "going away" party on base. It was basically family gathered in a way-too-small-for-the-amount-of-people conference room. There were a handful of brochures and booklets for spouses (I managed to snag a spouses "survival kit") and some resources for parents, etc.

It was a bit of a shock when they announced to wrap up "family time" and goodbyes because in a few minutes the soldiers were to form up and would march out and to the next building to prepare for departure from the company.  I thought we were there waiting for some kind of ceremony or something. Of course, most of the people there had no idea what to expect either.

We hugged and kissed and held hands. I chocked back tears, trying so hard not to truly break down on the outside like I was on the inside.  He told me to be good. (like he always does) I told him to take care of himself.. and he told me to do the same.. I told him I will and he said. "You promise?"  I know he is worried about me...  but I somehow choke out that I promise. He did well, not showing much emotion...I could only feel his love for me radiating into me and keeping me upright.

A few minutes later, after formation and prayer, the first two rows march out, and next row up includes my soldier. It was so hard to see him headed for that door.  I was so relieved though that he looked over and waved bye to me.  I don't think they are really supposed to do that but I did see some others doing the same, and you just never know when the last time might be, so there will never be enough goodbye (or "see-ya-soon") hugs, kisses, waves, winks, smiles or glances for me.

I've only just met a couple of the other army wives.  I briefly joined their small huddle in the back of the conference room to quietly wipe my tears with the rest of them. It was only a few minutes and we all sucked it up and headed out to our cars.  I've learned quickly, that's just what you do.  You stay strong, you let out a few tears, and you move on.

I've never felt so weak, and yet so strong at the same time in all my life.  I know it's a shock still.  It's all very surreal and hasn't fully sunk in, I don't believe.  I know myself, and I know that there will be bad days, with emotional breakdowns, but that's life and it's how we are supposed to grow.  As long as I don't get stuck there, it'll all be okay. 

I knew that returning to our apartment was going to be difficult. I actually took a second glance back into the apartment on my way out the door before we left for the base... I thought to myself that this is how it looks with both of us here, and this is how it will look when I come back alone. I'm sure it sounds strange, but for me it was a mental preparation of sorts so I wouldn't feel so in shock when I returned alone, to an empty and camo covered apartment.  I think it helped. I cried for a few minutes as I wondered around trying to figure out what to do with myself. I easily decided upon vodka tonic and comfort food. Well deserved if I must say.

I am anxious for news of his travels and safe arrival overseas. I know it will be days or even a week until he's there and settled.  So this begins our short chapter apart, and hopefully it will go quickly!
I love you soldier. You are in my heart.